For Colored Girls…and others…Who Have Considered Suicide

I’m so blessed.

For Colored Girls Who Have Considered Suicide When the Rainbow Is Enuf  is a play by Ntozake Shange, that in the last couple years was adapted into a major motion picture by Tyler Perry and Oprah Winfrey.

I saw the movie when it first came out and about a year later one of my girlfriends texted me about it. She expressed that it “ripped her into pieces.” And I couldn’t say it better myself. It’s an intense movie…very much worth seeing if you can handle the sadness. If you can’t, besides learning to handle sadness, you should hold off on seeing this movie. If you see it, I suggest you have a friend who you can discuss some of the things in the movie. Someone who is comfortable talking about both grief and race. I honestly think it’s approachable for people of any race though, cause pain is a common language. Just like love.

This week the movie is on my mind again.  It has me in a place of remembering.  I remember being a young colored girl thinking about entering into an existence in the absence of life. I wanted to go to Heaven cause I was over this life thing. I didn’t want to take my life, I just considered that it would be nicer to be in Heaven.  I wasn’t walking in the joy of life like I am now.

I remember when my father died suddenly. A few months after he died, I remember laying in bed one night, crying and wishing for him so much. I just wanted to be with him again. He was taken from me so rapidly.  It was unjust. As if life is just in the first place.  Our very redemption is the manifestation of unjust justice.  Anyways.  I just wanted my daddy.  I just didn’t want to do life without him.  And I didn’t know if and when I would feel better.

And I remember one night in my early twenties–I was in a really heavy season personally.  And so were some of my family members.  I was carrying a lot of burdens.  I went out dancing that night with a bunch of friends.  In an odd series of events I ended up alone downtown late at night, waiting to pick up a family member from the Greyhound.  The Greyhound station, at least in a metropolitan city, is not safe for a young girl to be at alone at midnight or 1am.  I was scared.  I couldn’t reach my friends. I was overwhelmed.  Late that night as I drove home, I thought–I get it–I get having a breaking point, I get why people think suicide is a good choice, I get needing to just be done.  And it scared me to have such clarity about it.

Here’s the thing beloved.  I fundamentally believe in the beauty of life.  Life is a gift. Period.

Yet there have also been times where I have not been connected to the joy and beauty of life.  The pain of life has grown immense in certain seasons, usually due to circumstances beyond my control.  I couldn’t see anything else. The pain might have been acute OR it might have been dull because I grew accustomed to it.  I’m thankful that I haven’t been in a place like that for a long time–but I remember it well.

I used to be ashamed of that truth about me.  But hear me loud and clear–I am not ashamed anymore. I didn’t quit. I didn’t take my life. I kept walking through the pain and don’t you know, there has always been joy on the other side. Always, always, always.  I know that might be hard to believe for some of you who know what I mean–who have considered these things yourself. The thing is, sometimes it takes a long time to grapple with the things of our lives.  But it does not make you a bad person because you are sad.  It does not mean you don’t have faith in God because you don’t want to be here anymore.  Those are lies that we heartily believe in the church and in other settings.

The truth is this: sometimes life is hard.  Sometimes it is deeply painful.  Sometimes the people who should be there for us aren’t and they totally suck and let us down.  And sometimes sh*t happens that we just can’t even begin to be prepared for.  And we need help.  We need community.  We need therapy maybe.  We need prayer.  And we need to fight.

You are not alone.  There are more people than you would ever believe who have thought about suicide.  Or who have thought, “I just don’t know if I can  make it.” You may not have ever admitted it to yourself or said it out loud, but honey, you are not alone.  I know this because I am a secret keeper.  Many many many people tell me their secrets and I hold them and love the tellers and pray with or for them.   I’m like somebody’s sweet ole granny who ya just feel comfortable talking to.  I will do the same for you, even if I don’t know you. There’s a lot of freedom in letting someone else safe know your story–it’s one of the ways we fight for life.

For Colored Girls…and all other girls and guys…who have Considered Suicide when Rainbows are Enuff…fight for your life.  It’s worth it.