3 things I believed when I was a high school senior, and what I believe now.

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This piece was commissioned by a friend. I didn’t know he had it like that to be commissioning pieces, but hey, it works! 🙂

1. I believed I was smarter than my mom. 

Legit, I so did.  I mean I was scared of my dad so I wasn’t gonna come out and tell me mom I was smarter than her, but I really did think so and it was evident in my actions.

I was Daddy's girl..but I was scared to get in trouble, for sure.

I was Daddy’s girl..but I was scared to get in trouble, for sure.

My mom is a rocket scientist.  For real. It was extremely gutsy of me to treat her like I was smarter than her.   Now, the thing is, I was a smart kid.  And I was wise beyond my age.  I had to grow up fast as a child and on top of that I’ve always been observant of the world around me and introspective about what that means for me.  In addition to that, my mom and I have different personalities.  She is a math and science super nova and thinks like a…well..scientist.   I’m good at math and science but I don’t think like a scientist.  Mom is looking for the logic when she solves problems, I’m looking for the heart.  So…this means that in some areas I have a greater sense of things than my mom.  Not all problems can be solved with logic.  But just because, in theory, my IQ is higher than my mom’s in this area, it doesn’t mean that I know everything there is to know.  That I am the authority.  My mom had relevant input and I couldn’t see it because I thought that just wasn’t one of her strong areas.

For example, I wouldn’t listen to my mom, for the most part, about relationships because she and my father were divorced.  What did she know? Boy I was dumb.  Epic fail on my behalf, lol.  Sigh.  You see, longevity does count for something.  Sometimes our parents might not know the best thing to do in a given situation, but they may still have some good advice.  Maybe they can tell us some things to avoid.  Plus, they know us pretty darn well, so they can tell us things about ourselves that we might not be considering.

Now I believe that my mom is smarter than me at things other than astro physics.  And I also believe that there are some things I am more skilled in than my mom and that’s a good thing. But it doesn’t make me better than her.  Nor is she better than me.  She’s just mom, with lots of wisdom, love and valuable insight.

This is before I was a senior. Just wanted you to enjoy the awesomeness.

This is before I was a senior. Just wanted you to enjoy the awesomeness.

2. I believed the world was black and white.  

Hence that little situation with my mom.  But also, I grew up in the Bible Belt in a religiously conservative family of engineers/scientists.  Things are pretty black and white in that world.  Good Christians do _______________, _____________ and blank.  Bad Christians…or…BACKSLIDDERS…do ________________, ________________ and _________________.   Nice girls do this, bad girls do that.  Smart kids do this, average kids do that.  And so on.

This is so so so so false.  I’m not saying that as an adult I’ve thrown the baby out with the bathwater.  There are some great things about my upbringing.  But for the love of God, literally, I had to change what I believe about how the world actually works.  How people actually work.  Jesus is not a democrat or a republican.  Some smart kids study hours and hours a day and some never study.  Some people don’t go to church and that doesn’t mean God is angry at them.  Some people date for 6 months and get married…others date for 10 years.  For the most part I can’t apply math and logic to human behavior.  I’m not suggesting that anyone stop having conviction.  I’m just suggesting that the world, not even our Savior…for who those who believe in Him…is all black and white.  Sure some things are…but really, there’s a lot of grey and a lot of options.  So you best stay close to God and your value system or you don’t have a praying chance of survival.  All the logic and rules will not help you get through college…and the rest of life…when you learn you possibly have pre-cancerous cells, see someone you love try to commit suicide, get dumped by the hottest guy around and get a C for the first time in your life.

This awesome woman was one of my close friends in college. Really, she taught me to believe in a much bigger world--more complex and more beautiful than I knew.

This awesome woman was one of my close friends in college. Really, she taught me to believe in a much bigger world–more complex and more beautiful than I knew.

3. I believed that I would go to college and get a Latin Lover.  

I know. I shouldn’t have admitted that.  The reason this belief was especially dumb is because I was really shy about dating.  So here I was, a freshman at Vanderbilt University, where 50% of the student body is Latino.

False. Um…3%?  1%?  Some very small percentage of the student body was Latino.  Okay…but I was thinking I could just join the Latino student group.  So I joined the mailing list and never ever went to a meeting.  Doesn’t matter that I loved Spanish and continued to take it in college.  Doesn’t matter than I had been to several Spanish speaking countries.  Who cares if I can’t be relax enough to just get to know people, lol.  I was too shy to meet people and there were not many Latino students in the normal rhythm of my life on campus.

So who did I date?  I had one boyfriend in college and he was a Black country boy from Mississippi. We met through my work-study job (normal rhythm of life).  We only dated during my sophomore year but he was a pretty great guy.  Well still is actually.  Just didn’t work for us.  And yeah, he totally was a hottie and a big deal on campus.  And he didn’t technically dump me – he kinda got me to dump him. Lol.  A southern man always let’s a lady go first I suppose. 😉 But these are unimportant technicalities.  Anyways, the other guys I dated were also somehow involved in the natural rhythm of my life…which is important for a gal who was shy about dating.

Senior year before Prom! My best friend was more shy than me which perhaps lent to my naive overconfidence.

Senior year before Prom! My best friend was more shy than me which perhaps lent to my naive overconfidence. She hates this picture. Don’t tell her I used it.

So that’s my point.  I believe that if there is something I want, I need to put myself into a position to receive it AND I need to think about if I have the…skills…capacities to get it.  If I don’t, I need to change what I want or grow my skills and capacities.  Or ask the Lord for divine intervention…but I wouldn’t be loosey goosey with those requests!

I hope you noticed that this third belief was not inherently bad.  I wasn’t objectifying Latino men.  I actually sincerely believed that they would like me more than the guys from my high school had.  And I thought I would fit in well with the culture.  And of course I thought they were beautiful but so were Black Guys and Middle Eastern Guys and Italian Guys and so on and so on.

There’s a lot of other things I believed in highs school that I could tell you about.  But I was only commissioned for three things.  🙂

Who still believes the things I used to believe, in the context of your own life? Perhaps you have something to teach me!

You’re okay

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“Zakiya, I need to tell you something.”

Ut-oh.  (Words in italics are my thoughts.)

Jackson "Ut-oh" looks

Family “Ut-oh” looks

I braced myself for what the next words would be.  Lately I’ve been spending a lot of time with people who are older, wiser, more experienced than me in this life journey.  The cool thing about that is I get to learn little nuggets from them all the time.  It’s nice and I truly value it.  I learn more about parenting, marriage, health, faith, cooking, language, culture and on and on.  I love to learn, so I totally dig it.

Except.  There’s a not so cool aspect to be flooded with information from others.  I tend to be the only single, young adult in many settings of my life.  The others tend to be 15-30 years older and married with children.

And some of them give me lots of advice about what I need to do and why I’m still single.

“Zakiya, I need to tell you something.”

I braced myself because I was ready to hear about something I’m doing wrong, another way in which I’m not fulfilling my duty as a Christian woman! 🙂 I’m not saying those words in anger…I’m just saying, shoot, give a sista a break sometimes! Ha!

Brrrr....sometimes the words make a girl feel cold...

Brrrr….sometimes their words make a girl feel cold.

“Zakiya, I think there’s something you need to know.  You don’t know it and you need to.”

Sh?*!!.  I must have really done something this time.  Are my clothes wrong?  I’m I too vocal? 

“I’m just want to give you some fatherly words.”

Okay, that’s cool. You actually remind me of my father.  And from what you’ve told me about your daughters, they are blessed to have you as a dad.

My daddy and I

“You are beautiful.  I don’t think you know that.  Not just physically, but in your spirit and all about you as well.”

I stared at him for a moment.  That’s it? No criticism? Nothing’s wrong with me?

What's going on?

“You’re okay.”

Now my eyes are wide as I start to take in what he is saying.  Wow.

I told him that sometimes all the advice I get has a negative side effect of me feeling really…really not good. It’s drives me towards this unspoken belief that I’m not okay and I need to be perfect.  That’s not of course what people intend.  They are all beautiful wonderful people.  I don’t think they always know what they are saying though.  And I haven’t yet figured out how to tell them what they are saying.

I’ve heard that I’m single because I’m not attractive enough.  Yes I’ve really heard that.  No it’s not that shocking to hear those things. And when I think about it–I agree that every married person I’ve ever met is way way way more attractive than I am.

AHHHHH!

AHHHHH!

Lol. That sounds dumb right?

I am a cute, beautiful woman. For several reasons I know this but chief among are that my Daddy says so and so does my Heavenly Father.  But not every man is attracted to me, which is good because I’d be an arrogant fool with all that attention. 🙂  I’m not saying presentation and appearance don’t matter–duh if you know me you know I pay attention to that stuff. If I’m not careful though, I’ll make my own attractiveness an idol…I will worship myself and draw men who will worship me as well.  That ain’t cute at all.  And it won’t make me, my man or my Lord happy.

Cute huh? Runs in the family.

We get our panache from Grandmommy!

I haven’t prayed enough.  I guess I’m supposed to pray everyday for God to bring me my husband and to bring me specific things, from my list.  There are several different types of lists I’ve been told I should have in regards to my husband.  Ya know, it’s not a bad idea to be praying about this…nor is is a bad idea to have something in mind for what I need/want in a life partner.  That’s helpful for filtering. And I do think about those things and I do pray.  But Lawd ha’mercy, just about the only thing I pray daily are my adorations of my Heavenly Father. I want very much to be a good wife and to have a wonderful marriage.  I want to be with the man God has for me.   It’s just…it seems kinda manipulative to infer that God will give me my list and my man based on how much I pray for it…really? I can just do God like that? Lol. I tend to think  that most of my prayers are to build up my own faith, thereby transforming my life and making me more like Him.  I’m not convinced that my prayers actually push God to do anything that wasn’t already a part of His plan.  So I’m not sure praying about my future husband rushes him along to me…what am I missing?

I care about it too much.  Wait…I’m supposed to pray about it everyday AND not care about it. Lol. Ya’ll got me messed up. 😉 I can’t even go there.  I’ll just say that the greatest, deepest love of my life is the Lord and if I never get married, me and Jesus will be okay.  I’ll be bummed for sure–I totally don’t want that. But I’ll still have a good life and God will take me on a different adventure and it will be well with my soul.  I’m not scared of what God has for me…

One of the adventures will probably include spoiling my friends. Sometimes they need some extra love :-)

One of the adventures could include spoiling my friends extra. Sometimes they need some extra love!

I’m single because something is wrong with me and God has to fix me before I am ready for marriage.   I’ll say it.  That is outrageously insulting to single people and arrogant.  So you had all your ish just right when God brought you your mate?   Hasn’t your own immaturity or whacked up ways at one point or the other caused hell in your marriage? Are you telling me your marriage is about you and how awesome you are….lol…please please please take a minute to really think about that.  Marriage is not a reward for good behavior.  It’s a covenant.  It’s a gift from God. It’s a calling. It’s a choice.

I've been privileged to watch this couple wait for and enter this covenant. They remind me of God's providence.

I’ve been privileged to watch this couple wait for and enter this covenant. They remind me of God’s providence.

AND it’s true, something is wrong with me–with all of us.  Our best efforts fall magnificently short of the needs of those in our lives. When I was younger, I subconsciously thought that relationships are about proving yourself to the other person and making sure they don’t leave you.  Ouch.  I’m so thankful for all the time the good Lord has invested in growing me.  My future husband is blessed that he will receive a much more whole, mature, gracious and…yes…attractive woman than when I was 22.  Amen and Amen and Amen.

Some things never change though. I met these ladies when I was 22ish and they were children...I will always love young people and be grateful that I get to speak into their lives.

Some things never change though. I met these ladies when I was 22ish and they were children…I will always have a silly side and love young people!

So yeah…sometimes the truth about me, that I am beautiful and that I am broken and that’s okay because God is in my midst…sometimes the truth is hard to hold onto in the midst of all the messages I get directing me towards a belief that it’s all about me and my lack…Truth is I’ll never be good enough, pretty enough, awesome enough to get married.  Good thing too because it would be a nightmare to maintain all that perfection with this new husband all up in my flow…I’d have to focus on me and not have time and attention for us and God.

It's all about me, right?

It’s all about me, right?

So I’m really grateful for all the older wiser people in my life.  I’ll just have to do a better job of keeping perspective on their words and sometimes even redirect them. So that I can remember that I’m okay.  That God is in my midst.  That He is growing me and when He sees fit, He’ll bring me my mate.

Thanks so much to the gentleman who reminded me of all this…I was blessed with peace…coincidentally, I hear peace is a pretty attractive quality…

I’m okay.

Zakiya's Iphone September 25 004

Voicelessness

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Three months exactly since I posted a blog, beloved.

Ain’t that something?  I don’t recall the last time I had a break this long.

I’ve been silent because my world has been so loud.

Not to worry–I’m not saying I’ve been troubled this whole time–it has been a season of both blessings and brokenness.

And a few quagmires of nearly epic proportions. 😉

Notwithstanding, I consider myself a richly blessed woman and my silence is just evidence of me dancing with life in a different way lately.

However, sometimes my voicelessness is not birthed in contemplation–instead it is soaked in…fear or even paralysis.

Ain’t that a mess?

(Yes, I’ve returned from the South for nearly a week today and I am glad to liberally use my “twang” as I write.)

That mess of a voice deferred, concealed, unknown…that is what invaded my thoughts during worship last night… our final night at #CCDA2013.  I had been stewing over something I heard one of my workshop leaders say.  I was thinking about how in one particular area of my life, I seem to have no voice.  Which is funny, I’m a wordy lady!  This voicelessness has actually perpetuated a….oh…hum…shall I say…it has contributed to a sinful inclination of mine to just not care.   I’m not sure apathy is sinful, but I can see in my own life that it yields bad fruit.

So, here I am, in this beautiful worship time, pondering these things seemingly birthed out of voicelessness.  And the Lord, ever so gently, took me to a place where I was overcome with tears.  I mean I just stood there and cried and cried.  It hit me almost out of nowhere.  I cried for the voice I wanted to hear again…but then again was not sure I had ever heard.

In His masterful, purposeful way, God had the perfect person for the moment come and sit down next to me.  I think she’s helping me make my way back to…whereever God is taking me.  🙂  I’ll be honest, I don’t know where we are going, but I expect it won’t be colder than Michigan, lol, and that it will be a meaningful journey.

And you thought that was the end of the story? Oh no my friends, oh no.  In the Wonderful Adventures of the Life of Z, rarely do we end the story before 9pm.

Not knowing I needed further expression, more sounds, more audience, shortly after crying with my friend, I joined some members of C2 (a ridiculously awesome group of people with whom I do life with, thanks to CCDA and Jesus) in one corner of the room to pray.  This had already been planned by one of our C2 brothers.  There were 7 of us gathered together, which is coincidentally my favorite number. 🙂

Well, we just started sharing and affirming each other.  Beautiful stuff.  I couldn’t make it up if I tried.  Then I shared with them a bit and asked them to pray for me…I told them about a hurting place in my heart and a place of voicelessness.  I told them I was trying to come back…and though I didn’t say it, I believed they surmised that I was very very tired from the journey.

Beloved, as I wept, and they prayed, my C2 friends carried me.  It was okay for me to be tired.  I didn’t have to be strong in that moment.  And they even cried with me.  They carried me closer to the place God is taking me.  And though we are spread out today in cities across the country, they gave me strength to continue forward.  Don’t we all need that sometimes?  Over all sorts of things in life?  Over being a new mom, making a major move, losing a close friend, being rejected by someone we love, struggling with health, experiencing all sorts of trauma,…being black in America…being a women entering her pastorate…whatever it is that you labor in…sometimes you need to be carried for a bit.

I sure am grateful.  It was a holy moment.  In other words, God was all up in it! 

So.  God and I, we are getting me back to…something…and it is good, it is very good.  And just as my friends were for me last night, I am a voice for voiceless.  We will get there together honey, we will indeed.

photo

Thank you.